Thursday, December 8


ME: Actually, what does kum lan really mean ah? I mean I know it's vulgar
HE: Um
ME: Anything with lan is so not good
HE: Something to do with the [brinjal emoji] I think
ME: Yes but what is kum?!?
ME: OMG what did I just say? I'm laughing now
HE: In English or hokkien?
ME: Yes, I'm laughing cos I realised in English it's bad too
HE: U too funny
ME: Tears streaming down my face now
HE: Ouch it's beginning to hurt
HE: My stomach that is
ME: But seriously!!! What is kum?!?!
HE: Idk, what else can one do
ME: I laugh until 内伤
HE: U should google it
ME: So someone would kum lan until he kum?
HE: I'm guessing someone else kum him...but to be sure u should google it
ME: Wo bu xing le! I'm hysterical!
HE: I'm gonna do that now
ME: I dun dare to. I may go into fits
HE: Google it that is
ME: Stoppit please I beg of you
HE: According to urban dictionary...To **** a [brinjal emoji]
ME: Ohhh so it cannot be erm done by oneself?
HE: Idk y anyone would want to do that
ME: I thought it was a self service type of action
HE: No it's lip service
ME: Stoppppppppp
HE: Ok enuf...My stomach cannot take anymore
ME: Wait I got one more!
HE: Oh no
ME: What is pooh boh kia??? Someone told me today about it
HE: Wait I google
ME: I never hear before!
HE: Neither have I...pooh boh is pigs wife isn't it?
ME: Apparently it means motherfucker
ME: Obviously my hokkien sub standard
HE: Googling it gets pooh bear
HE: Apparently ur hokkien spelling also not so hot
HE: Should be pu bor
ME: How does that translate to motherfucker!?
ME: So pu is errr fornication? Bor is mother?
HE: Guess so
ME: Kia is kid rite?
ME: So a kid who fucks his mother = motherfucker!!!!!!
HE: Wah yes!
ME: OMG it's quite brilliant

Friday, September 23

asos wtf


I'm back.

Sort of.

In my long absence, I have renovated a flat, married off a sister, moved house, lost 4kg, started working night shift and become an Asos addict.

On top of feverishly saving items to my Asos wish list (all the better to monitor price drops!), I have also started downloading these pix which amuse me no end:

"Wow, I look squarer than Spongebob!"

"This smudgy pajamas-like thingy is putting me to sleep."

"This is the best smile I can manage in this monstrosity of a dress."

"Helpch! An alien seahorse is growing out of my ear. I think it's trying to tell me something..."

"Welcome to the circus. I'm the tent."

"You'd look pissed off too if you had all that excess fabric hanging off your ass."

"I make this wardrobe malfunction look good."

"I'm just doing this to pay the rent."

Tuesday, April 5

run for your life

Loser friend:
Wat u up to?
Me: Just went running. On a Friday night. I'm a certified loser.
Loser friend: A trimmer loser.
Me: The biggest loser, you mean.
Loser friend: Please. I slept my nite away.
Loser friend: You don't want to start a bigger loser game cos u will lose.
Loser friend: Paradoxically enuf.

That I'm a hermit who doesn't go out on weekends is not news. The shocker here is that I have taken up running. Three times a week at night. After clocking in 10 to 12 hours at work. And I actually look forward to pounding the pavement every time. Okay, stop laughing.

I'm following this Couch to 5K podcast and of course my OCD streak won't allow me to miss a session or quit before the end at week #9. (I'm currently at week #7, but seriously, it seems impossible that I can cover 5km in another two weeks.)

I've become such a running geek that when I see joggers along the road, I find myself following their strides and noting things like whether they are heel or forefoot strikers.

Yes, all those times I muttered "freak" under my breath as a jogger breezed by are coming back to bite me in my -- hopefully trimmer -- ass.

Wednesday, March 23

pardon the mess

I'm a sucker for home improvement programmes and the big reveal at the end. By the same token, I cannot resist clicking on the "before" and "after" renovation pix of my Facebook friends. The more drastic the changes, the more I like.

I don't have any "after" photos yet, but here are some "before" shots of my 40-year-old flat, much of it still in its "original" condition, as real estate agents are wont to say.

The glass of the main door acts like a lightbox.

My beloved arch, leading to the kitchen.

Kitchen floor tiles which I'm keeping.

The entire toilet will be gutted, so there won't be a partition between the shower and the toilet.

I asked Mr Contractor if there are rubbish chutes which are foot operated. He looked at me like I was the laziest ass in the world.

I would have loved to retain the old skool sink but it was very badly cracked. I'm getting something similar, but with two basins. I still cannot believe that my sink costs double of my toilet bowl, which arguably has a more complex mechanism.

To the left, when you enter through the main door, is what I call the front balcony. Check out the terrazzo which I fondly describe as the colour of dried blood. I'm keeping it.

From the front balcony, you can enter the front room (there are two rooms). This wall will become a wall of bookshelves with a set of French doors set in the middle.

In the kitchen, on the left of the sink, is the back balcony, which it is going to be widened to be a dining room (the windows and walls on the left are coming down). There is a delicate mosaic hacking operation going on now to "borrow" as many tiles as possible from the kitchen and bathroom to extend the floor.

The back room, which is accessed from the back balcony. The wooden shutters will be saved to make a screen or something, not sure yet. Both front and back rooms are going to be hacked into one giant room.

Sadly, these sockets are extinct and I will be changing to modern white ones.

This looks like the most awesome retro tiles but actually is gross vinyl flooring which is completely cracked and caked with dirt.

Same as above, this is vinyl and will have to go. Below it is raw concrete which will be painted white and then covered with high gloss epoxy. Apparently, it is not super lasting, but we'll see.

Auntie Laura, who sold me the flat, left me her dressing table. It was her dowry from 40 years ago. Love!

Her husband, Uncle George (not his real name, but he looks like a George to me), left me his cupboard. He also gave me a bunch of film cameras and an old suitcase. Double love!

Renovation started about two weeks ago.

Any ideas what I can do with these grills? Throwing them away is not an option.

Exposed bricks! Not painted white yet.

The view from the living room into the giant bedroom (two bedrooms combined by hacking down the dividing wall).

Mr Contractor brought me to a retro tile shop after I turned my nose up at all the modern ones he showed me. Guess which tile I chose for the toilet floor?

I'll spare you the photo of the sink and toilet bowl I chose, but watch out for more renovation shots over the next month or so.

Tuesday, March 22

white washed

I was asked again today what is the "theme" for my flat. I think "chapalang" pretty much sums it up.

Here are some pix that I showed my contractor -- who deserves a blog post of his own, if only because he immediately knew what I meant by "white epoxy cement floor" and "white exposed brick" -- before the renovation started.

This smooth white seamless floor is what I mean by "white epoxy cement floor". It's going in my bedroom, which currently is just raw concrete.

A prime example of what I mean by "white exposed brick". That little niche/shelf is perfection, I must get Mr Contractor to do it for me.

The textured wall is amazing, but there is something marvellously quirky about the mix of sofas and armchairs. Kinda makes me wish we didn't sell the set we had at Swirl.

I'm still a bit worried that the crevices between the bricks will collect lots of dust, especially since they will be in the bedroom. I guess there's only one way to find out.

I must say, blue exposed brick looks pretty good too, but I'm going for white.

I'm sorely tempted to have a small polka dotted wall. I can't resist dots.

Because there is no store room in a flat as old as mine, I will be spending a small fortune on built-in wardrobes.

I briefly toyed with this design but realised quickly that the irregularity of the lines would drive me round the bend. The frames are a nice touch though.

Imagine this wall in the living room, but without the desk, chairs, lamp and rug. And substitute the monochromatic art with more colourful ones. Can imagine anot?

My bathroom will not be this slick or Zen. In fact, the only similarity will be the glass panel and the niche for bath products, which this home owner apparently does not use. I chose some super retro tiles and mosaic, which I'm keeping my fingers crossed will work in the small space.

The bottom left picture is my fave. There is only one spot in my place which I can build this sort of shelves -- above the rubbish chute. I doubt it will look as nice as this.

Okay, use your imagination here. In your mind, remove the dining set, the wine rack, the recessed lighting and the cooker hood. Change the floor to retro green mosaic. Switch the marble backsplash to a greenish glass. The upper cabinets have one door, not two. The lampshade morphs into a giant round globe. And there you have my kitchen.

I keep telling my carpenter I want French doors, but I'm not 100% sure he gets it. These aren't exactly what I want either, but I can't find the right pix to show him.

He did seem to understand "wide bookshelves" and "wooden ladder" though. Baby blue for the ladder? Turquoise? Hot pink? Or should i stick with red?

There is an archway leading from the living room to the kitchen which I love. And which my contractor likes to pretend he has forgotten I want to retain and make me panic by saying things like, "Next week, we can start tearing this down. You want rectangle, right?"

I've been trawling used furniture listings for a credenza/sideboard/console, but it's not that urgent. If I were rich, I would just to pick one up from Lorgan's, but I'd rather spend my money on a self-cleaning oven. (The Orla Kiely wallpaper is gorgeous, but I doubt I can commit to a print for more than three years.)

On my wish list, too, is a bench with hairpin legs. I briefly contemplated buying the legs online from the US and adding my own plank, but the shipping charges would kill me.

I'd settle for just any bench with unusual legs. I have five mismatched chairs waiting to be painted -- white, of course -- to complete the dining set.

Also to be painted white are three wardrobes and a dressing table. Still thinking what colour to paint the insides, but I know I want them in a different colour. There's only so much white I can take.

See the green wire on the pendant lamp? Nice, hor? I'm wondering if it is possible to just ownself paint. Shouldn't cause electrocution or short circuit, right?

In my dream kitchen, there is always an island. I was devastated when I realised there isn't enough space for one in my flat.

I would also love to have shelves upon shelves of bottles and jars, but alas, I am moving to an HDB flat, not a mansion.

No space for a Japanese soaking tub a.k.a. ofuro either. Sad face.

Isn't this giant framed collection of Polaroids a thing of awesomeness? Alas, I'm a pragmatist who knows (a) framing something this big will cost a bomb, (b) I'm not made of money, and (c) I don't even own a Polaroid camera. Oh, and also, I have no space.

Anyone knows where I can find these adorable-until-can-die scalloped blinds? I need them and I need them bad.

So there you go. My dream house. In the next episode, reality bites as I show you the "before" and "during" renovation pix. Stay tuned.