under the blanket

The phone call that I had been dreading finally came. My grandma, who was battling cancer for some time, passed away a few hours ago. I don’t think I even said goodbye to her before I left, cos it’s like I just assumed she’d still be there when I got back, like she’d always been all my life.

Just as I never have the right words to say to those whose loved ones have passed away, I don’t really know how I feel right now. Kinda numb, I guess, even though I had known that she had taken a turn for the worse a couple of weeks back.

I was never as close to this grandma as I’d have liked to be, cos I grew up with my other grandma and never quite mastered enough Hokkien to have a proper conversation. Every Chinese New Year, I would mangle those “Xin Jia Ru Yi” wishes, and she would just call me “Ah Mun” and smile indulgently before giving me my ang pow.

My mom tells me not to fly back, and I know there is nothing much I can do anyway. Yet some part of me just wants to, oh I dunno, maybe I just want to say goodbye.

"Bye bye, Ma Ma."